She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have tasted many bathrooms
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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