we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
