If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
