I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
