Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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