Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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