those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
