Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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