First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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