I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
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She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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