Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I checked into jail on foursquare
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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