Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
