why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize