Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
