You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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