Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
