I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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