Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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