If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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