god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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