3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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