Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.