Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial