Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
