I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
