My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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