I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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