Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
