he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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