It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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