dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
