so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
