She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
