Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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