Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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