I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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