it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
