i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
