I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
