He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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