he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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