If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
