Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
