I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
