Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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