Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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