If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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