Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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