Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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