I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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