I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
