I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?