he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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