I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
