wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
