i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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