I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
