There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize