Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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